Thursday, 19th June 2008.

One For The Road

Things I wish my car had.

Instant Smartcar Converter

Forget sunroofs. Having them open messes up my hair and I can't hear the stereo properly, and the wind makes the sweet wrappers go all over the place. What I'd really like is something to work on the length of my Subaru. It's nice having a big car, but it's not so nice when you have to park it in a space designed for a bicycle. Parallel parking has never been my strong point, and I tend to panic when I'm shuffling the vehicle backwards into a space that's quite obviously going to be too small (more on that later).

So what I'm proposing is a button that will instantly compress the last four feet of my boot into empty space, thus turning a reasonably sized family vehicle into a Smartcar, making those harder-to-reach spaces much less of a nightmare. And then you press another button when you're clear and - pop! - instant luggage space. This would be quite wonderful and would make my life much easier, but it is important to emphasise that the compression function must not be used when the dog is in the boot. No animals were harmed in the writing of this diary entry, but it was a close-run thing.

LED rooftop display

It was on a Thursday evening that I saw it. Hunched at some traffic lights, I observed the cars that swept through the crossing about fifty yards away, when I suddenly became aware of an LED advertising board that was fixed to the top of a large Volkswagen that was carrying a Mini on a trailer affixed to its rear. The recurrently scrolling sign on the top of the VW boasted "LOOK AT MY MINI".

Now, this was all well and good, but to be honest it struck me as something of a waste. If you're going to go to the trouble of installing a flashing board like the one they had in the second Ghostbusters film, then why not get one that actually says something useful? One that's front-mounted, perhaps, and can display a selection of pre-programmed phrases on the front (where they'll appear in mirror writing, so that the car ahead can see them properly), or the rear, or even on the sides.

You could have a selection of included 'popular' phrases, along with room to programme your own. Said phrases could include "SORRY, MY FAULT" (even now, after years of doing it, I'm *still* not sure exactly how you're supposed to apologise to someone you've cut up), or, at the other end of the spectrum, "STOP TAILGATING, YOU WANKER!". You could use them to warn people - "YOUR TAIL LIGHT'S BROKEN" or even just have a little fun with them - "YOU HAVE JUST COMMITTED SEVERAL MAJOR TRAFFIC VIOLATIONS, AND THIS IS AN UNMARKED POLICE CAR. PLEASE PULL OVER NOW". What's more, the one I saw at those Reading traffic lights isn't rendered useless, because you could arrange for all BMWs to come with them as standard - flashing up the words "LOOK AT MY MINI", followed by "ATURE PENIS".

Tailgating Electromagnet

Tailgaters mystify me. They must know that what they're doing is not only intimidating, it's also dangerous - do they not remember stopping distances? In the wet? Seeing as changing the general behavioural patterns of impatient drivers is out of the question, think of this device as being the opposite of a car crushing magnet. It works on the same principle as David Copperfield's flying trick, which he achieved by wearing powerful magnets on his shoes that were repelled by even more powerful magnets located beneath the stage. When turned on, this device emits a current that repels the tailgating vehicle backwards - a current weak enough so that moving backwards is a gradual process that prevents them from merely crashing into the car behind them, but strong enough to keep them from getting within twenty feet of you. They will therefore be forced to keep a respectable distance, thanks to this enormous, virtual padded cushion. The roads are safer, and everyone's happy except the tailgating driver, but does anyone give a shit?

Limpet Limiter

If there's one thing that irritates me more than tailgaters - I deal with them by just putting on the brakes, which is exactly what you're supposed to do if they're invading your inner vehicular circle, and which winds them up no end - it's the ones who flash past you because sixty miles an hour on a reasonably-cornered A-road really isn't fast enough for them. For a while I fantasised about killing these people with a big rocket launcher that I'd produce from the passenger seat like Carrie Fisher in the Blues Brothers, but that's not very Christian. Then I fantasised about them having a terrible accident as a result of their reckless driving, but that's not much better. Then I imagined them getting ticketed for speeding, but as most serial speed offenders know exactly where the GATSOs are ("No, honestly, the camera detector is to make me a safer driver, that's all") this is unrealistic.

And then it hit me - what would really get to these people? How about a device that renders their vehicle physically incapable of travelling above the speed limit for a designated area? Hey, I'll go you one better - they can't go any faster than fifteen miles below it. Said device is fired from beneath your front number plate, and attaches itself to the underside of the speed freak's car. It's small enough to remain undetected by all but the most prestigious of engineers - who, even if they do find it, won't be able to do much because it will be impossible to remove (at least without destroying the bodywork) for two calendar months, whereupon it will promptly shrivel and drop off, like the Alien Facehugger. By which time, let's hope, the speed freak has well and truly learned his lesson. If he hasn't, be warned - I've got a box full of them nestled next to the spare wheel.

On-tap Kolokol-1

Don't get me wrong. I very rarely give lifts to dangerous criminals or known terrorists, and therefore generally don't have the need to escape from danger, Jason Bourne style, by administering an incapacity agent before leaping from the speeding vehicle (as Desmond Llewellyn is echoing in my ears with the words "Do try and bring it back in one piece, 007"). However, there were times during our holiday the other week when trying to get the boys to go to sleep in the back of the car was proving to be absolutely impossible. We tried soothing music, singing, driving fast or driving slowly, or just not talking to them at all, and nothing seemed to work - they were still lively and chipper (or, in Thomas's case, fidgety and screaming) despite the fact that it was their bedtime half an ice-age ago.

It was then that I realised that the solution was to install a canister of knockout gas that could be piped into the back seat with a flick of a switch (the same switch that would instantly bring up a glass barrier that protected me from becoming another Fell Asleep At The Wheel statistic). Hey presto! Instant peace, and no more bellowing children. A ready supply of Kolokol-1 is quick and easy and painless, both for your child and for you - if nothing else, it beats throwing shoulders out of joint by constantly twisting round in your seat to try and find the dummy that has become wedged between the plastic frame of the child carrier and the rear door.

Pneumatic Dummy Retriever 101

And speaking of which...

Right-Angle Straightener

Last one. I have this fear of parallel parking. It's something I hate doing and yet I have to do it quite a lot. You would think that five and a half years of driving would have enabled me to get the hang of it, but I have more or less accepted that it's always going to be something I do badly.

By choice I would like to slide conveniently into the last available space in a row, coming to a gentle stop, perfectly aligned with the car in front. This never happens. I usually have to position myself in front, and then lock the wheels while I furiously push the car backwards, and then forget to unlock them so that I'm either sticking into or sticking out of the kerb. This in turn necessitates me having to start the manoeuvre again, which is difficult because there's another car coming and I'm sticking three feet out into the road, or I'm having to mount the kerb trying to get the wheels straight, and in the meantime getting more and more stressed out and grumpy.

So I don't want a grappling hook or a numberplate scrambler. I don't even want a roofbox-mounted rocket launcher. I just want something that will allow me to parallel park badly, and which will then gently lift the body from the chassis and rotate the chassis into the kerb slightly so that it's perfectly aligned, before adjusting the body to suit. No hassle, no wrenching the wheel, no arguments, no jumping out of the car into heavy traffic in order to check and then jumping back in again to finish straightening. Just perfect parking, every time. Is that too much to ask? I mean really?