Monday, 7th April 2008.

We're only in it for the money

Some time last year I placed a hidden camera in the BBC offices, in an attempt to find out what was going on behind the scenes and what *really* happened during the writing of all our favourite shows. Inevitably it was discovered, but not before I managed to transcribe the following.

[We are about halfway through a Doctor Who script meeting in the BBC boardrooms.]

RUSSELL T. DAVIES: OK. This season, I want to bring back Rose.

[There is a chorus of groans from around the table.]

STEVEN MOFFATT: Russ! You told us that you wanted rid of her. That's why you brought in the parallel universe, remember? You said that you didn't have the heart to kill her off, but you wanted her out of the show so that we could keep things fresh.

PAUL CORNELL: Right! And so we came up with the parallel universe thing - we trap her in this parallel universe where she's safe but from which THERE IS NO ESCAPE.

RUSSELL: Yes, but I don't care about that now. I produce the show, and I can do what I like with it, and that includes the backstory. Rose is goldmine TV. And besides, Billie can act everyone else off the screen, including David.

STEVEN: So what do you suggest?

RUSSELL: Leaks.

TOM MACRAE: They're visiting a Cardiff greengrocer?

RUSSELL: L-e-a, not l-e-e. Holes in the previously airtight universe that allow things to slip through.

PAUL: You mean the previously airtight universe where absolutely *nothing* was allowed to slip through?

RUSSELL: Yes, but no one will remember that.

PAUL: [mutters something that is thankfully inaudible]

STEVEN: It's a little bit Philip Pullman, isn't it? Aren't people just going to accuse you of ripping off The Amber Spyglass?

RUSSELL: They already did. Besides, everything we do is derivative. And in any case, I got used to all the rip-off accusations after Voyage of the Damned. The money makes it all worthwhile.

TOM: It's still a continuity error. People will just say we're being inconsistent.

RUSSELL: Oh, it'll be fine, Tom. We'll tell them that we planned it like this all along.

TOM: Sounds a bit George Lucas.

STEVEN: Or British Army.

RUSSELL: Sit on it, fanboy.

PAUL: So we find 'leaks' somewhere? Meaning she can appear in a ghostly form, and then wander away with that sad look in her eyes that she does so well, because she's found a way to observe our world without actually being able to interact with it?

RUSSELL: Something like that, yes. And then, eventually, we bring her in properly. Cue lots of lingering looks, the obligatory love triangle between her and the Doctor and Donna -

TOM: No, not Donna, she doesn't fancy him!

RUSSELL: Don't worry, she will by then. And then, of course, Martha. Who will be empowered, but still go all weak at the knees when David does that thing with his eyebrows.

STEVEN: It's like a love quadrangle, then?

RUSSELL: Precisely, my little chickpea. Then we bring back Sarah Jane Smith. And then Peri. Eventually, you see, it's going to be a love tesseract.

TOM: How many other companions were you thinking of reintroducing in a romantic sense?

RUSSELL: Well, there's Jack, of course....[there is a murmur of unsurprised agreement]...then there's K9....[a few unsettled glances]....oh, and Mel. [Everyone around the table vomits, apart from Russell.]

PAUL: There's another problem with this. The whole point behind her being trapped forever was so that she can never see the Doctor again. It made for a really emotional finale at the end of the 2006 run. It dripped with pathos. And that's me saying that. You know, the one who wrote Father's Day? Weepy eyed tragedy? And Human Nature, of course. Although that had the added bonus of being scary.

STEVEN: Blink was scarier. It says so on Wikipedia.

PAUL: Yes, but Family of Blood had evil scarecrows.

HELEN RAYNOR: It didn't have any Daleks in it, though.

TOM: What are you even doing here? Your Dalek episodes were shit.

HELEN: Look who's talking, Mister "let's revamp the Cybermen so they're not as good".

RUSSELL: People, people! We're getting away from the real subject of this meeting, which is to talk about how brilliant I am for bringing back Doctor Who. Now, I know I can do pathos pretty well. Actually, I'd go so far as to say that my pathos was [folds arms, adopts Northern accent] fan-tas-tic. [normal] Nonetheless, I don't care about whatever happened a couple of years back. People have short memories. Besides, it's my show. I resurrected the Doctor - if it weren't for me you'd all still be eating out of cheap burger cartons on a Friday night after you'd picked up your dole cheque, and that light bulb joke would still be funny. Rose was my creation and I want her back. She was brilliant.

STEVEN: I still say you're going to anger the fans.

RUSSELL: Ah, bite me. I AM A GOLDEN GOD!