Saturday, 21st July 2007.

Nancy Banks Smith is on holiday

A recent online debate about Torchwood got interesting when we all started to speculate as to whether it was a project that was doomed from the start, or a potentially great show that went down the tubes due to sloppy writing. My own instinct is to plump for the latter, if only because it helps me maintain some sort of faith in the adventures of Jack and Gwen et al., and the belief that the second series will be an improvement on the first. It's also, I have to admit, a way of excusing myself for having sat through all thirteen episodes last season - the vain hope that things would get better.

The overwhelming impression we got was that Torchwood was a potentially great idea (X-Files in Cardiff - well, it's never been done before) that could have been a ratings winner if Russell T. Davies had been taken out of the picture altogether. As it was, it was a unified disaster. But it called to mind the old Newman and Baddiel sketch where Baddiel would enter an everyday situation, soberly dressed as an insurance representative, and warn of the perils of abseiling / rock concerts / fine dining. And I started to wonder what would happen if you applied this to Torchwood, and this is what I came up with.

[A forest. Enter David Baddiel in his Insurance Chap guise.]

INSURANCE CHAP: Over ninety per cent of car crash TV incidents occur at the hands of Russell T. Davies. Observe…

[Enter the Torchwood team.]

JACK: Say, Gwen, d'you like my brooding face? Don't you think it gives me depth?

GWEN: Oh, Jack. I don't really know 'bout this sort of thing, 'cept it's loveleeee, isn't it? Do you see how my Welsh accent becomes more prominent over the course of the series? I got that from Rose, innit?

TOSHIKO: Jack, why did you hire her again? She has the IQ of a lemming.

JACK: To give Owen someone to sleep with, the irritating faux-Cockney brat.

OWEN: Oi! There's me thinkin' you was a diamond geezer, Jack, and now you're showin' your true colours. First chance I get I'm going back to my mickey mouse and then on the dog-and-bone to get miself outta this stink 'ole.

GWEN: 'Ang on, dearies. Where's Ianto?

TOSHIKO: We didn't think he was interesting enough for this week, so we've sent him on a booze cruise with Pete Tyler. They'll probably wind up shagging in the warehouse behind the cash-and-carry.

OWEN: 'Arf a mo. Aren't we supposed to be a secret organisation? Isn't getting into public trysts going to be a bit dangerous for our reputation? We don't want any of this getting out.

PASSING POLICE OFFICERS: Hey, it's Torchwood! Hello, chaps, 'ow are you? Love the show, etc. etc.

JACK: Hang on, I thought I was shagging Ianto.

GWEN: You were. Even though that technically constitutes harrassment, given that you're the boss. I'm not actually happy with it, though, as I fancy you, which is why I've been shagging Owen.

TOSHIKO: And I fancy Owen, so I've been wearing a pained expression for the last few weeks.

GWEN: I thought that was because you'd been reading the scripts.

JACK: It's all right for you. My current characterisation is so thin that if I turn sideways you can't see me.

OWEN: God, I 'ate you people. Bunch of tossers. Where's the deus ex machina when you need it?

TOSHIKO: Fuck off, Owen.

JACK: Tosh! Language!

TOSHIKO: It's post watershed, you stupid alien yank.

JACK: Just don't exceed your quota for the week, OK? Only one naughty word per episode. We don't want people thinking we're 'gritty' or 'adult' as opposed to 'naughty juvenile'. And hey, people, let's ease up on the sex talk. The audience will start believing that's all we care about.

GWEN: Owen's got a point, though. Lately I feel like there's this rift between us.

EVERYONE: DON'T MENTION THE RIFT!

[Suddenly, the massive foot of the Abadon emerges from the sky and squashes them all flat, Monty Python style. A moment later Jack gets up. He's the only survivor.]

JACK: Anyone need a Doctor? No? Oh well, time to find a new team.

[He skips off through the forest, singing 'Everything's Coming Up Roses'.]

INSURANCE CHAP: Now, there was no need for that to happen. It could have been prevented. It should have been prevented….