Thursday, 12th April 2007.

In defence of creationism

I was in the shower last night when I had a fantastic idea. My beloved and I had been at the PS2 playing Lego Star Wars for an hour or so, and I'd suddenly realised that it was a shame that Lego didn't have any rights to the Lord of the Rings franchise - because Lego Lord of the Rings, done in the same way as the Star Wars games, would have been fantastic.

Think of the possibilities. You'd split it into three sections, just like the Star Wars titles, and have six levels in each, creating an eighteen-level opus that charts its merry way across the trilogy. There are a multitude of characters to control and collect (although alternate costumes for Aragorn are limited, given that he only wears one shirt throughout the entire story), with different skills: characters with blades, characters with projectile weapons, and mystical glowing objects that can only be moved by characters with magical powers (i.e. Gandalf). You'll control Legolas and Gimli as they take down oliphants at Pelennor Fields, hold back the Orcs at Helm's Deep as Aragorn and Theoden, and sneak up Mount Doom as Frodo and Sam. There are vehicle levels (Merry and Pippin being carried by an ent as Isengard falls; Arwen outrunning the wraiths on her way to Rivendell), moving block puzzles and exploding scenery as the mines of Moria collapse around you, and between stops you can buy characters and extras at The Prancing Pony. The whole thing would be laced with the sort of offbeat humour that made Lego Star Wars so downright appealing - sort of like the official games, but better.

My ability to have a good idea for a film / play / book / game / TV show has always outweighed any sense of practicality. I can come up with a pitch but I've never been much good at actually putting them into something tangible. I have ideas for a dozen novels but when I actually sit down to put them together I don't have the commitment to actually follow through - with the exception of one work in progress. In any event I thought that perhaps it was time I actually wrote some of them down, rather than simply letting them gestate in my head for years. Any additional suggestions welcome.

Long Live The King
A middle-aged woman (Sissy Spacek, anyone?) moves to Las Vegas to get over the pain of a messy divorce by drowning her sorrows at the gambling table. While she's there, she meets Elvis - the real Elvis, who faked his death in 1977 and moved to Vegas to escape from the limelight (not to mention the influence of the despotic Colonel). He's now making his name as an Elvis impersonator. Highlights include a melancholy scene where he comes fourth in a lookalike contest, and a duet with Bruce Springsteen as they perform Dancing In The Dark at the Holiday Inn (so yes, it would need to be a period piece). This was actually the idea for a screenplay that I tinkered with years ago, but I quickly realised that I would need to actually visit Las Vegas in order to do any research. If anyone wants to pay for my plane ticket...

Short Circuit: The Video Game
I know they did one years ago, but this is a full 3D action adventure, where you control Number 5 as he explores suburban Oregon and the surrounding countryside. There are stated missions and specific objectives, but the name of the game is exploration: Number 5's lust for input means you can scan pretty much anything (as in Metroid Prime). You're rewarded for your efforts by an increase in dialogue - the more you scan, the more Number 5 can speak and the greater his state of awareness, leading to a strong sense of character development. As well as the main quests (sneak out of Nova 5, rescue Stephanie, fight off the army) you'll have little side quests that you can choose to complete (getting a little girl's cat down from a tree, for example). Think of it like Grand Theft Auto, but with robots. And beavers. And without the language. It wouldn't sell, but the nostalgia freaks would be happy.

Legolas and Gimli: The Fourth Age Chronicles
Offbeat TV show detailing the further adventures of everyone's favourite elf and his jolly dwarfish sidekick. At the end of Return of the King they ride off into the sunset, with Legolas promising to show Gimli his incredible forestry, while Gimli in return reassures Legolas that he'll show him his glittering caves. All homoeroticism aside, this episodic action adventure details what happened next to the two heroes - the people they met, the quests they undertook, the villains they fought - all undercut with gallons of their trademark witty banter and guest appearances from Xena the Warrior Princess.

The Simpsons meets 24
Jack Bauer crash-lands in Springfield in this special two-part episode. Each part occurs over twenty-two minutes (plus ad breaks) and features a multitude of inconceivable plot twists and gunfights where, like the Who Shot Mr Burns? Story, everyone is a suspect. Apu becomes indignant at racial stereotyping ("I am from India! I am not a fundamentalist Muslim! Why must you assume that every person of ethnic minority is a terrorist?") and Homer, of course, is the one who saves the day. The beginning of each episode features a voiceover from Bart, delivered in his 'hushed and intense' tone: "The following takes place between 6:35 and 7:00 pm. Events occur in real time." "Bart! Get out of the recording booth!"

Tomb Raider 3: Under The Ice
To anyone who ever saw the Star Trek Next Gen episode where they dug out Scotty from the transporter, this will be familiar. Lara Croft is exploring a cavern deep in the arctic when she comes across a man frozen in the ice - still alive. She takes him home and thaws him out, and it's Indiana Jones. Flashback to fifty years ago as we discover the last adventure Dr Jones had and find out how he came to be trapped in suspended animation all this time. The rest of the film is a generation gap fish-out-of-water action comedy, with the world's most famous archaeologist trying to come to terms with today's technology and music and the fact that we're now friends with Germany, whilst simultaneously appalling the butler with his lack of etiquette and good manners. In the end, after a hint of romance that's never fully realised, Dr Jones' specialist knowledge about a certain artefact is the only thing that can stop the evil scientists taking over the world, and he willingly surrenders his life to foil their evil plans, passing on the mantle to Lara. Features an amusing scene where Ms Croft lithely navigates an enormous underground chasm with a dextrous series of trademark flips, somersaults and ledge-grabs, while Indiana sighs, flips a switch in the wall, and then walks across the bridge.

Geisha Idol
Speaks for itself. Featuring special guest judge Tara Palmer Tompkinson.

Pol Pot: The Musical
Look, just trust me, OK?