Friday, 25th November 2005.

Unhappiness is a warm phone

Thursday, 10:25 pm.

<ring>
"Hello, is that Studio?"
"Yes, this is the order line."
"I have a query regarding an order."
"You will need to ring the customer service line."
"But this is about an order."
"Yes, but this line is for the taking of orders only."
"It didn't say that on the form. That's the office that's just closed, right?"
"Yes. Would you like me to give you the number?"
"No thank you, I've got it here. Thank you for your help."
<click>

Friday, 2:10 pm.

<ring>
"Welcome to Studio. If you have a touch tone phone, please select from one of the following options."
Oh, bloody hell.

After five minutes on hold:
".your call IS important to us, so please -"

"'Allo, Studio, can I 'ave your account number please?"
"Yes, it's - " <reads>
"And can you confirm the postcode and house number?"
"Yes, it's - " <reads>
"And is the account holder there?"
"No, this is her husband."
"Right. I do actually need to speak to the account holder to get authorisation."
"Why, exactly?"
"So that I'm allowed to talk to you."
"But I've just given you the information you need. I should think that this more than establishes that I know about the account."
"I still need to talk to 'er."
"Listen - I have the details of the order in front of me, and all the other paperwork. The account holder's not available; I'm calling you from my office. I've explained that I'm her husband. I know all about the order and I've given you the right number and my postcode and house number. I don't really see what - "
"No, but I still 'ave to speak to 'er."
"This is just a generic question about the order."
"What d'yer need to know?"
"Well, we've received a part of an order from you. I just wanted to confirm that when we re-order the rest from you in a couple of weeks, as you've instructed, we won't be charged extra postage."
"Yeah, see, I still need to talk to 'er."
"What information do you need from her?"
"Just verbal authorisation. You put 'er on the line and she says that I can talk to you about the account - "
"That seems a little bit silly to be honest. I mean, I could get anyone here to go on the line and say that they're my wife, if we were starting this conversation over. Don't get me wrong, I know you're doing your job, but the security measure seems to be pointless. Now I've demonstrated that I know as much about this as my wife does, so I really don't see - "
"I still can't give you that information without authorisation from the account holder. The only thing I can do is make a note that you've called."
"But do you see what I'm trying to say to you? That your insistence on talking to my wife first really doesn't make any logical sense?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just company policy, like."

Ah. The magic words.

"I can't give you any info right now. I'll make a note that you've called - "
"Don't bother," I said with a sigh. "We'll call you some other time. Thank you very much, you've been...very - well..."
<click>

It's my own fault. Emily offered to do it herself - and she's much less bothered about Studio's slapdash methods than I am. Next time I'll listen to her.