Monday, 25th July 2005.

"But this is my day job..."

It was in the car last night, travelling along the M40 back from London, a light rain flecking the windscreen and our child sleeping in the car seat, his head nodding gently and rhythmically, that Em suddenly realised that Coldplay's 'Fix You' is ripe for a lampooning.

Don't get me wrong; I love it. It's the second-best track on the album, sliding in just behind the sublime 'Til Kingdom Come', which would have sounded wonderful in the hands of its intended vocalist, the late Johnny Cash. 'Fix You', on the other hand, is pure stadium lighter-waving emotional release: church organs building into intense and rich orchestration before cutting back to simple piano; a pure, lilting melodic line; sublime harmonies during the build; and an all-encompassing lyric for a burning, aching world. It's a little kitsch, but it works.

Odds are good that 'Fix You' will be used in the next Comic Relief, presumably in one of those manipulative video montages that break up the mood just when you're beginning to enjoy yourself - the kind that prompt mass visits to the loo. Lots of slow-motion footage of crying, malnourished African children, standing inside filthy hovels, staring wide-eyed into the camera with pleading looks. Hugs from Juliet Stevenson, while a group of ten-year-olds make Billy Connolly laugh. Close-up of Dawn French: "Please give as much as you can. Together, we can make a difference."

But it was Emily - ever the spirit of good-natured irreverence, particularly when it's with regard to something I'm really into - who suggested that the song is actually not about healing at all. It's about going to the vet.

I feel a rewrite coming on...

"When you're digging up all the garden weeds
And the fence is wet where you've just peed
When you feel your rawest sexual need
And it's a curse

When the other dogs make you want to fight
And you're trying to hump everything in sight
And the howling keeps us up all night
And it's getting worse

When you've damaged our home
And chewed up your bone
Then I will need to fix you

And you feel no pain but you weep and wail
And your sense of shame is beyond the pale
'Cause there's something gone underneath your tail
Where did it go?

I will drive you home
And we'll buy you a bone
After I have fixed you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
Your libido gone without a trace
Canine heat that's gone to waste
And I

Then you'll mooch around our home
And you'll bury the bone
But first I'll need to fix you."