Friday, 22nd July 2005.

Sketches for the ideal home

(To the best of my knowledge, none of these actually exist, but it would have been wonderful if they did.)

Kitchen declutterer
This works on the same principle as the Windows system tool that examines your desktop and program files, analyses system activity and subsequently offers to delete the applications that you seldom or never use. Similarly, the kitchen declutterer goes through your cutlery drawer, carbon dates the leftover germs on all those surplus tools you swore would come in handy one day, and offers to remove the ones you've hardly touched - or at least keep them in storage out of the way.

5 a.m. bird remover
A jet stream that sucks down from the ceiling, lifting the bird from the carpet where the cat's been playing with it, before opening the nearest window and depositing the bird safely outside, without the need for oven gloves, kitchen paper, or even getting out of bed.

Washing machine accelerator
There's little so irritating as when you've had a load of washing to do, and bad timing has resulted in one load being only half done just as you have to go out for the afternoon. This handy gadget has the same effect as an oven fan, using intense cleaning agents to accelerate the process without sacrificing the quality, leaving plenty of time for you to peg out the sopping wet laundry before you have to head off - and avoiding the unpleasant experience of getting back late at night and having to not only retrieve the still-damp pile of clothes from the machine, but also trawl the house to find a place to hang it overnight.

Colour co-ordinator
For all those moments when you're dressing and not really sure if something goes, and can't bring yourself to wake your partner to ask them. This little black box does an automatic pantone scan and sifts through the billions of combinations in its memory banks to compute the likelihood of colour clash. Would have saved me considerable embarrassment in Tescos on Monday.

Door lock sensor
I've got a little paranoid about security recently, and often find myself halfway along the road before suddenly being hit by the horrible realisation that I might have left the door unlocked, or - worse still - gaping open. This pocket-sized gadget, no bigger than a mobile phone, is wired directly to each door frame by remote control, and has a radius of up to two hundred and fifty miles. A series of blinking lights down the side of the sensor wand shows the status of each door: green for locked, amber for unlocked and red for open - making last-minute panic checks a thing of the past, as well as cutting down on burglaries and providing instant peace of mind wherever you are.

Shopping list polisher
For those moments when time is ticking on and you have to get to the supermarket before it shuts. The list you've made is as complete as you can manage, but you're sure there's something you've forgotten...the shopping list polisher examines your cupboards, fridge and freezer and automatically lists any items that you need to buy, thereby saving precious minutes - not to mention the irritating side effect of shuffling around the kitchen from cupboard to cupboard, racking your brains and wearing out the lino.

Towel dehydrator
You've stumbled out of bed in the morning, and head towards the kitchen door where you usually drape your towel when you're not using it. And it isn't there. You eventually find it screwed up in a rough cowpat-shaped pile in the corner of the bedroom, where it's been for the past twenty-four hours or so. It's not dry, and worse still it's beginning to smell. Worry no more! Just a quick blast in the sandwich toaster-shaped Towel Dehydrator 3000, and even the dampest, foulest towel will instantly have every last drop of water squeezed out of it, rendering it dry, fluffy and smelling fresh as a daisy. No more problems with having to drag out new towels from the airing cupboard, picking up the ones that fall on you and worrying later that your towel-washing schedule has been thrown out of sync. Be the master of your own towel laundry, with the Dehydrator 3000!

p.h. neutraliser
For those embarrassing moments when you've inadvertently urinated on the bathroom carpet / mat. Just a few drops from this handy, eyedrop-sized bottle will instantly neutralise the colour and banish the smell, changing the results of your poor aim into nothing more than a little spilt water. The bottle's portability renders it a must-have when visiting other people's houses, particularly your brother-in-law, the first time you visit.

Meanwhile, from Kent...

A Snooze button for children: Child wakes up at 6.30 am, and starts playing merry hell - simply press the Snooze button, and they go to sleep for another hour.

Acme Instant Extra Room: House got too small? Simply place this door-shaped device against a wall, open, and hey presto - extra room!

Cue and Review Buttons for your mind: Can't remember what you were thinking about a day/hour/minute ago? Simply rewind and find out!

And from Yasmin....

I've thought for a long while that the opposite of a microwave would be Really Useful (TM). You could heat soup up, and cool it down again really quickly, so as not to burn yourself, and any number of other useful things...