Wednesday, 25th May 2005.

"...and I see your Schwarz is as big as mine..."

Somewhere on the A34, on the way back from Episode III...

"Yoda only had a small lightsaber, but he still kicked arse with it."
"He did indeed," I said. "It was final and categorical proof that it doesn't matter how big your lightsaber is - it's what you do with it that counts."
"Darth Sidious had a big red one."
"Yes. There's a certain snobbery attached to lightsabers - the main reason, I think, why Jedi don't generally use blasters. In one of the games, you get to control Obi-Wan, and he has a lightsaber and a blaster, and it just doesn't feel right, somehow. It's all phallic, anyway."
"Mind you," she said, "Mace Windu's was the same length as everyone else. So I guess it isn't true what they say about black men."
"And it was purple. Bruised, perhaps?"
"Maybe. Hey - maybe the reason that Darth Sidious is so angry all the time is because he had a big red throbbing one."
"Also," I went on, "I seem to remember that the second lightsaber that Luke had was green. So maybe he had syphillis or something."
Pause.
"And," she said, "I dread to think what happened to Darth Maul..."
"D'you mind if I put this in the diary?"
"I suppose not. It's a bit rude though."
"Doesn't matter."
"And you'll probably misquote me, as usual."
"Yes, I might. I'll tell you what - I'll let you read it through before I post it."
"I used to think you had a great memory for conversations. Then you started writing about ones you'd had with me, and I realised that you just made bits up where you couldn't remember..."