Spiderman 2

Random snippets of conversation, on the way home from Spiderman 2. (Warning: contains some major spoilers. Skip if you haven't seen it.)

"Bringing back the green goblin for the third film would be a big mistake. He was all that was laughable in the first."
"Yes. I actually thought that the whole uncover-the-secret-lab thing was going to be Harry's moment of realisation that he'd been unfairly dumping on Spiderman."
"You would think. But he's too far gone by then - already twisted. Power corrupts. He's destined to become the next villain, unless they opt for John Jameson. But I *can't* see them going with the Green Goblin again - they'll want variety. It's why Doctor Octopus was originally supposed to be the secondary villain in the first film."
"Whereas doing it this way," said Douglas, "gives them more flexibility."
"That was ridiculous," said Emily from the back seat. "The way his arms fused."
"Well, Octavius remains a good man, to be honest. His chief failings are ambition and arrogance. And it's those qualities that manifest when the arms take control of him and mess him up."
"When the chip malfunctions."
"It was stupid! If you're going to have a vital safety chip allowing you to retain control, you don't put it in such an obviously fragile position. Ooh, look, it was in the neck. And I banged my elbow on the door frame, and now it's slipped out! It's just asking for trouble. You put it right in the middle of the thing, out of harm's way. It was like those police helicopters."
"The ones right at the end? Flying through a city, in between office blocks, which you're just not supposed to do?"
"And the CG was terrible. It was like Lego."

* * * * *

"Tell me, James," said Emily, "did you get scared when he started bursting out of his outfit?"
I actually have a long history of this; it's another irrational fear. I used to get terrified when it happened to David Banner. And I'd leave the room during the Sugar Puffs commercials.
"During the train sequence? No, it was fine," I say, trying to maintain my dignity. "Because it was a healthy rip. A moment of great sacrifice, followed by inexplicable crowd surfing through a rail carriage."
"Not to mention the fact," she said, "that he has the most amazing sewing skills. Even after all those rips and tears, he was always more or less immaculate in the next scene."
"I know. It's like - hey, look! Octavius has kidnapped Mary Jane and now her life hangs in the balance, along with half of New York. I must save the day. But first, I will darn!"

* * * * *

"What was with the landlord's daughter?"
"Yes, why was she there?"
"She turns up and she gives him cake and then she disappears again. And there was no purpose at all in her being in the film."
"Unless, of course," mused Douglas, "you were supposed to think that she would be the love interest."
"Right," said Em. "So Mary Jane marries the other bloke, and you think that the chocolate cake woman would be Peter's girlfriend."
"I see," I said. "It's like an acknowledgement of the squalid existence that Peter has to put up with in order to carry on being Spiderman. And you see her, and you think - well, she's not much to look at, but she's the best he's going to manage. And she makes a mean chocolate cake."
"Maybe," said Emily, "she'll be the next villain."
"Because he got the girl?"
"Right. So Peter and Mary are an item, and she gets jealous. And her rage gets the better of her."
"But what would be her power?" asked Douglas.
"Yes, she does need one. I know!" Emily said. "She can set things alight just by looking at them."
"That was a ridiculous moment."
"The way that fire spread in such a short time...it's the spoons! She uses her spoons to set things on fire. She can be Spoon Girl!"
I chuckled. "Hey, did you guys ever see Mystery Men? It was that film with Ben Stiller and Geoffrey Rush, about a group of inept superheroes. Stiller was Mr Furious, who, when he became angry, also became Master Of His Own Rage, which basically amounted to him biting and pinching a bit. William H Macy was The Shoveller, who had - well, a shovel - and there was another guy who used his collection of spoons as deadly weapons."
Douglas winced. "It must be a bit difficult to use a spoon as a deadly weapon."
"Which was kind of the point."

* * * * *

"But what will happen next?"
"Well, Peter and Mary kind of have a future. But she's always in danger."
"And of course, superheroes have to lead double lives. I suppose that you could avoid complication if you have no alter ego."
"Come on," I said. "Even Superman had an alias."
"Yes, but...jeopardy's a part of the heroine's lifestyle."
"Although, thinking about it - if you remain a superhero twenty-four seven, think of the advertising you'd get. The endorsements you'd get. The money you'd make. The house you could build. The security system you could install...there's no way anyone's breaking in to kidnap the girl. And if you're the Hulk, of course, you just beat the shit out of them."
"On the other hand," added Douglas, "it seems to be a case not of what happens when you're there, but what happens when you're not there."
"So you just stay with them."
"Come on!" said Emily. "You can't stay with them all the time."
"What if," I said, "what if you're a superhero whose curse is to have Kirsten Dunst genetically fused onto your back?"
She giggled. "You're getting silly."
"Oh, now we're getting silly…"

(Friday, 5th August 2004)