2 Fast, 2 Furious

"He did the stare-and-drive on you, didn't he? He learned that from me."

I don't care what you want to call it: this is A Guy Film. I know I'm going to get shot down in flames for this, but bear with me: this is not about interesting and likeable female characters who can fend for themselves, or gender equality, or interesting plotlines. This is about big strapping men who drive their cars fast and have their music loud. And, of course, this is what all men like to do. So to hell with the female collective. If they come, they'll be with their boyfriends. And if not - hey! They can be honorary men for the evening.

I'll tell you what. We'll stick in a few token women. How about Devon Aoki? No, I know you've never heard of her. But she looks good in a swimsuit, and if we feature her driving cars at ludicrous speeds, we can bring in some concepts of gender parity and avoid being seen as a complete stereotype. Then we surround her with cute women wearing tight clothes that show off cleavage and rump, and score the whole thing to a little bump-and-grind, so that the lesbian issue remains in the background but not so close that we actually have to *deal* with it. And we'll have Eva Mendes as the lead female - Eva, whose previous film credits include the impressive Training Day and the somewhat less impressive Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror. She's feisty, independent, sultry and she knows what she wants. Oh, and she looks great in a bikini, and of course that's important.

Now - there's no Vin Diesel this time around. Stop complaining, all of you. Yes, I know he more or less carried the first film. Is that someone disagreeing back there? No, the cars were nice but it was Diesel's charisma and charm (not to mention the fact that his chest fills a tight T-shirt beautifully) that made the first movie so memorable. But see, Rob Cohen jumped ship and there's no way that Vin would have done this without him.

Trust me, it'll be fine. Paul Walker is much less dorky this time around: Brian's been kicked off the police force, you see? And he's turned to street racing to make a quick buck. It means that we can more or less mirror the first movie's opening but on this occasion he's in control - from the moment he steps out of his car you know that this is a different Brian - more self-assured, better informed as to who his friends are, less schizophrenic - clearer on his priorities. It doesn't matter that he still can't carry off more than two emotions (smooth and sophisticated charisma or raging concerned anger) - we like his character anyway.

OK. Now we throw in the usual clichés. Two cops, one laid-back and empathetic, one hard-boiled, unpleasant, bad-tempered and extremely sexually frustrated. Better make sure we make the black cop the nice one - otherwise the race relations people will be down on us like a ton of bricks. Then we'll throw in another young white guy that no one's ever heard of and cast them as the snappily-dressed villain - he wears black, he lives in an exotic Miami mansion, he deals drugs....you know, aside from the narcotics issue he's really not that much of a monster, is he? Why are they really after him, seeing as he keeps so many bent cops in mortgage payments? Better throw in the obligatory "Bad guy is really an evil bastard" scene, involving imaginative and unpleasant torture. And we'll set it in the back of a nightclub, just to be really safe and conventional.

We're almost out of stereotypes. So throw in lots of up-tempo R&B, visually stylish FX and David-Fincher style sweeps through the workings of a car engine to see the NO2 kick in, and you're more or less there. Oh, and add a plot that's pretty conventional but nonetheless much more interesting than the first one. Remember to involve at least one freeway chase including a pair of trucks. Lots of ambiguous morality; the cops are somehow worse than the street-racers, who are lawbreaking but nice. And bang! We have a lightweight, more than a little ridiculous but nonetheless entertaining action movie. Just watch your speed on the way home.

I almost forgot - given that the soundtrack sales will at least equal the box-office revenue, we really ought to do the decent thing and find an acting role for one of the artists. They can rap and act! All right, they can't act. Unfortunately Ja Rule's not available. Step forward Ludacris - he's dynamite right now. And bingo; everybody's happy....

(Sunday, 15th June 2003)