Jon Oliver and I spent a morning last week throwing emails back and forth - the concept is 'New' Films, usually hybrids of two or more existing titles. These are some of the ideas we came up with. I will leave it to you to work out which ones were mine.
Mulan Rouge - Nicole Kidman stars as a courtesan in feudal China who has to disguise herself as a bloke in order to infiltrate an exclusive group of writers and avoid dishonouring her family. Is aided by a dragon who continually bursts into song.
Sven in Black - hilarious "Britcom" about the culture clash that arises when the England manager decides to enter the fashion industry.
Episode 1 - The Bantam Menace. Obi-wan is terrorised by a gigantic cock. (No, not George Lucas.)
The Stripping News - a washed-up ink-setter decides on a career change, and is led on a journey of self-discovery and hedonism through the dark underbelly that is the nightclubs of Newfoundland.
Allo Allo Dolly - Barbara Streisand becomes involved in La Resistance in wartime France, but is eventually sent to a concentration camp and shot. No one is sorry.
The Upper Hand of God - A gentle, lighthearted (i.e. not funny) sitcom about a middle-aged Maradona, as he settles down as a cleaner for a middle-class English couple and bonds with their rebellious son by teaching him football.
My Life As A Reservoir Dog - a candid, frank and nostalgic look at the career of Steve Buscemi, from Barton Fink to Final Fantasy. With cameos from Salma Hayek, Alec Baldwin and Quentin Tarantino.
Notting Hill Street Blues - Hugh Grant is a tough and world-weary detective, investigating the murder of alleged pimp Rhys Ifans. Featuring the line "Do you - ah, I mean - what I actually want to - you see - in short....to recap, that's if you don't - would you mind if I, er, arrested you?"
Asphalt Bungle - the cast of Rainbow star in this tale of inner-city gangland war. Featuring the ritual execution of Rod, Jane and Freddy. "Ooh, that's very naughty, Zippy!"
An American in Paris, Texas - the struggle of an amnesiac ballet dancer (Gene Kelly) as he tries to rebuild his life in small-town America. Featuring a show-stopping rendition of "I Remember You".
The Perfect Ice Storm - Kevin Kline and George Clooney begin a secret affair on a fishing boat. Sigourney Weaver co-stars as an oversexed bartender, but Mark Wahlberg mercifully drowns before he gets the chance to do any rapping.
Buffet The Vampire Slayer - A Virgin trains food worker staves off the vampires who have invaded the 9.15 to Birmingham New Street.
1984 - Starring Big Brother's Jade. Day 42: due to her incessant yapping, ignorance and down right swamp pig ugliness Alex and the other house mates decide to strap a cage of rats to Jade's head.
Crocodile Dundee 4 - Steve Erwin vs Paul Hogan - The two famous Aussies slap each other around the head with the world's deadliest snakes in a strange yet compelling deathmatch.
Showgoat - Like Showboat but with a goat. It would work, honest.
(Wednesday, 14th August 2002)
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